OK, folks, it's August and the doldrums are upon us! What say we propose new and truly lousy ideas for a ballet? Be aware, though, that as soon as you propose it, somebody is likely to come out with, "Oh, I saw that!"

A couple of years ago, the long-run winner was a combination of Life of the Slime Mold and Moby-Dick! At least no one had ever seen THAT before!

Funny you should mention this Mel. . .

Manhattnik and I were at Universal Ballet yesterday and realized that La Bayadere just wasn't peppy enough. We're thinking it needs to be reset. To Texas.

Yoohoo. . .Manhattnik. . .

i was going to suggest a ballet about an accountant when i realized that i had already seen one about michael milken...sigh.

i have to say gone with the wind...oh wait, there are plans for that.

I remember the discussions of Moby Dick on alt.arts.ballet a few Augusts ago. We had a wonderful time with it -- pas de poissons, fish dives, the whole lot. (I imagined Moby as a ballerina role, tutu and all, with a whole corps of little white whales; Juliet costumed them.)

And then someone -- quite seriously -- wrote in and said that her daughter's school in Connecticut had danced it last summer.

The other side of this coin, is if you propose a really really bad ballet, if it hasn't already been done, it will be next year. But I will offer one. I've always thought that someone (and I once had a choreographer in mind) could do a nice "Cannonade" to Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture.

I don't know if the question leads too far apart - but when reading this topic, I was wondering what is worse:
A theme totally unsuited as story of a ballet - or a bad ballet with no story at all...? (Then, you can't even blame it on the subject...)

I think we need some help from contributors to flesh this idea out, but after enjoying the way over-the-top confrontation between Nikiya and Gamzatti in this production (I still have fond memories of Markarava's Nikiya vs the Gamzatti of Cynthia Gregory, who was born to the role), Leigh and I realized it was just like something straight out of Dynasty, or Dallas. So was born the Texas Bayadere.

I'd thought that instead of Shades we'd have row after row of line dancers, but there's nothing particularly special or sancrosanct about line dancers, even in Texas. Our Nikki could only be -- a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader! Think of the visual impact of Cowgirl after Cowgirl high-kicking her way down the tiers of a heavenly Cowboys Stadium, waving their pom-poms in glorious synchronization.....

Of course, Gammy is the daughter of an oil-magnate-turned-President, and Billy-Jo Solor is the Cowboy's quarterback (he'll make his Act II entrance astride a mechanical bull instead of an elephant).

Haven't figured out what the parrot girls would translate to....

Funny though the idea of the Texas Bayadere is (Billy-Joe Solor is wonderful), in a way it just shows what an effective libretto Petipa was working with. At the bottom of all that ham, there are real, believable human feelings. And did you know that there was a version (as a joke) of Wagner's Ring set in Texas, called Das Bar-be-que. I forget all the details but they were as funny as Billy Joe Solor on his mechanical bull.

As for a truly bad idea, Amarcord seems pretty hard to beat.

As for a bad idea that hasn't been tried, I was actually thinking on my way to work that I was very glad I haven't seen Der Winterreise danced to. There are some works that are so self-contained that the idea of dancing to them trivializes the original.

One of the local ballet directors has proposed "The Last Nutcracker: the Year the Mice Won," in which Clara visits the Land of Cheeses. By the middle of December it seems like a good idea.

Some titles that will never be used:

Robocop Usher

Die Hard at the Ballet

Friday the Thirteenth Nutcracker

Dawn of the Dead Sleeping Beauty

Star Wars Episode Two: Giselle Strikes Back

I thought we had already done this last November: remember the "Ballet of the Butterfly Ballots"???

I was trying to think of really LONG ballets: War and Peace (complete with battles), The Bible (Old and New Testaments complete with apocrypha), and then there could be the "NOT SUITABLE FOR THE MATINEE CROWD" versions of books by DeSade: "Justine" might be interesting!

I guess almost anything could be made into a ballet, but whether it SHOULD is another story. Those of you who read my rants some months ago about the Birmingham Royal Ballet's "Edward II" (and this list didn't exist at the time I saw the POB's "St. Sebastian" - which also would have merited a "rant") know how I feel.

Not exactly a bad ballet idea, but Glazunov's "Scenes de Ballet" have always intrigued me, especially the beautiful pas d'action. (Used by Ashton in "Birthday Offering") Now, the music isn't from any ballets at all, it just sounds like ballet music. I've always wanted to do this as a pas d'action from a "lost" ballet with a "lost" libretto by the redoutable Leo Tolstoi and his cast of thousands, especially the part where the ballerina is doing a one-hand promenade with her partner and the entire Preobrazhensky Guard goes charging across the stage....

I think felursus is right and we did have a similar thread, in addition to the "butterfly ballot" thread (let's not revisit THAT again!). But there are new visitors to the board, and of course old timers may be inspired to think of new bad ballet concepts in the interim. What about this: "Thirteen Days: a Balletic Intepretation of the Cuban Missile Crisis." Something along the lines of "Nixon in China."

perhaps the parrot girls could be taught to use lariats?

I think the Texas La Bayadere could have a really good men's dance (a la Sparticus) taking place in the lockerroom with his teammates, clad of course in towels

Of course the guys would be wearing some towels, and snapping others at each other. Heck, if Spartacus could leap around with a sword in each hand, why not let Billy-Joe Solor do the same with snapping towels?

I can see him manfully vanquishing his teammates in this mock combat with a series of barrel turns while gymnastically snapping towels in each hand.

I think it has potential.

Winterreise - too late, Mary: Robert North did a piece called A Stranger I Came for ENB a few years ago, which used a mixture of Schubert songs including the last one from Winterreise. I did not enjoy it.

And in the grand tradition of the Super Bowl, we can have a number to "Up with People" Who is after Nikki? The head coach? Instead of the dance of the priests, he could do a pas de quatre with his assistant coaches.

For a bad new ballet, I nominate the "Susan Smith Story" Ben Stevenson can do it in the style of Anastasia by McMillian but he'll collaborate with David Parsons, who will do a "dance of the dead children" -- like the one he did for Pied Piper. It would be a great role for a top dramatic ballerina. Music by John Adams.

[ 08-07-2001: Message edited by: Dale ]

[ 08-07-2001: Message edited by: Dale ]

More Texas Bayaderisms:

Dead Tiger on a Stick ---> Superbowl Game Ball.

Golden Idol ---> Dancing Vince Lombardi Trophy

American Indian Tom-Tom Dance ---> American Indian Tom-Tom Dance

Gal with Pitcher on Head ---> Gal with Kitchen Sink on Head.

Would anyone care to cast On the Road -- the Ballet?

With Ethan Stiefel as the Neal Cassady character, perhaps? The motorcycle could make a cameo appearance....

[ 08-07-2001: Message edited by: Alla ]

Hey, I'm from Texas so I'd like to contribute. Instead of parrots, how about giant margaritas (perhaps the Bush twins could be cast in this scene!)

In keeping with the current climate:

Temple Dancers -------> Lap Dancers

Let's make Nikki really work for her piastres!

You know, I think Mark Morris could actually make Texas Bayadere work ... No, really, I'm being serious! Now there's a choreographer who could mutate the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders into the Kingdom of the Shades. I would make the trek to BAM and pay good money to see it! But would Morris -- such a moving Dido -- make a better Gamzatti or Nikiya?

Let me hasten to add that I am a huge Morris fan and have thought on more than one occaision that he's George Balanchine's true heir, but that's for another thread.

As long as we are casting out of Texas, I think the Kilgore Rangerettes (a drill team) really should do the Kingdom of the Shades.And there should be a debutante in full debutante kit somewhere in there, too. Also there should be a mariachi band. I have been thinking about Texas this week--if it is this hot here in New York City, why not be in Austin? They do hot sooooo much better. Oh, let's not forget Anne Richards. She would be an excellent something. Shrub and the Oil Bidness guys we can save for the Nutcracker...

How about a series of ballets based on a Major Network's sitcoms? ABC danced by ABT or something like that. (There is ABT season planned out right there!)
I can just see it: Regis Philbin energetically danced by some major danseur, and instead of his "Final Answer", he could do variations on a set of steps. And the person in the Hot Seat could be a beautiful ballerina, who could then dance a PDD with Regis. And the corps--- all those who do the fastest fingers competition. Except for fastest fingers, they could do a fastest feet one. I think there would also be room for dramatic interludes, maybe a spotlight coming up on the ballerina's family members, perhaps even a husband, who at the end could viciously fight Regis over the ballerina. And stunning pyrotechnics and theatre tricks could be incorporated. Who has even included an 'Ask the AUdience' in a ballet? Or a Phone a Friend?

Oh Allegro- sadly, you've sparked my interest! How about a "Friends" ballet? It could start out with the theme song and the whole corps would clap with the music. There would be many romantic pas de deuxs with Ross and Rachel and following every romantic one a pas de deux where it is very clear that Ross is screaming "WE WERE ON A BREAK!" Joey and Chandler would have several male pas de deuxs to illustrate their misfit friendship.

And then when (like television) ballet cannot successfully imitate sitcoms any longer... we can introduce "Reality Ballet." I can see it now... "Survivor: the ballet!" You can fill in the blanks as you want.
Scottie

What about a ballet about the frustration we feel when we get telemarketing calls from credit card companies during dinner?



Or maybe a ballet entitled "Waiting for the Cable Guy"...

"Survivor, the Ballet" has piqued my interest. The audience could write in the challenges: 32 double fouettes in shoes that don't belong to the dancer and have no ribbons or elastic (I'll allow the drawstring to be intact), etc. There could also be emotional challenges involving non-renewal of contracts, loss of roles, being forced to do a role for which the dancer is under rehearsed - with an important critic in the audience, of course, etc.

felursus-
your challenges sound more like "Fear Factor: the Ballet" to me...

I forgot to add the part about them voting each other off - oh, and the "tribes": anyone got some creative ballet-oriented tribal names? The reward, instead of being a million dollars, is a life-time, secure principal contract with the company of choice.

I'd like to see a ballet based on Miss Cleo, the psychic who advertises on TV.

[ 08-11-2001: Message edited by: Dale ]

Jane Simpson and Mary Cargill mentioned Schubert's song cycle "Der Winterreise". Like a lot of people who studied voice I learned it both as a school exercise and for performance.

It does seem that a ballet to the entire cycle it would be dreadful, but a couple of the songs might work. "Der Doppelganger", for example--it is from a different cycle, but could be done like a soft-shoe, but on pointe. With a follow spot, of course--"Me and My Shadow" for Lincoln Center.

What would be intriguing is a ballet done to a good recording of the John Cage masterpiece 4'33".

...to the john cage masterpiece 4:33...now, would the dancers come out on stage to dance, would you actually choreography movement, or would just the stage empty of dancers be sufficent enough?

Didn't Paul Taylor already do this?

Manhattnik--

Do you know what recording Taylor used?

There are a lot of great ones:

--Martha Argerich (even with her usual quota of wrong notes)

--Evgeny Kissin (a bit too classical for some)

--Stephen Drury (thought by many to be the best recording so far)


Julip--

I think the choreographer would have to make those decisions, depending on how he or she is inspired by the work--and, possibly, by the pianist.

[ 08-11-2001: Message edited by: Ed Waffle ]

About 4:33-- it was first performed by David Tudor, who came out and sat at the piano. And you could watch him, and think about how long the time seemed, or how short.

When the Cunningham company uses the score (The Merce Cunnngham Dance Company) someone is in the pit with it, at the piano as I recall. If there is no piano, I don't know where the musician sits, but there is a musician. Then they dance for the length of the piece.

This might seem like the Emperor's New Clothes, but it does indeed make one think about the nature of time, and our perception of it.

[ 08-11-2001: Message edited by: Nanatchka ]

And I don't think Taylor used 4'33", I think he just stood there in silence for about five minutes. (Didn't Anatole Chujoy devote three whole column inches of blank space in Dance News to a review of this piece?) Now to make it a ballet, he would stand in 5th position!

Come on, gang, there are a lot more better fershtoonkener ideas for truly execrable ballets before we exhaust August, and this topic! We're actually verging on actual critical thought, and we can't have that in the Silly Season!

As to music visualization ballets: how about an abstract ballet set to Brahms' 2nd Symphony with the ballerina part cued to the second oboe?

[ 08-14-2001: Message edited by: Mel Johnson ]

Again, off topic, but there was a review of 4'33" in the Times, where the reviewer wrote that he was very much looking forward to a full length work by the same composer.

I must agree with an earlier post... Gone With the Wind has got to be the silliest idea... and of course, it is being done by a company who seems to care more about theatre then ballet.. *sighs* I may go see it just to see how scarlett will manage fouettes in a hoop dress!! Haha!!

Okay, Mel, since I have perhaps verged on critical thought, I repent by offering: Waiting for the Cable Guy, a Ballet in about 43 Acts.

NOW you're talking! I once submitted an idea for a ballet based on Life of the Slime Mold, but somebody told me it had been done.

Here's a REALLY lousy idea:

There's this fella, see, and he's gonna hafta get married to some gal his mom (a real pushy mom) has picked for him, and he's out hunting with the boys to take his mind off his troubles, and all of a sudden he sees this SWAN turn into a REAL WOMAN!...

What's that? It's been done? Never mind.

how about "As I Lay Dying" (although put into the hands of Bill T. Jones it might be interesting)
...or, just for fun, "Tropic of Cancer" ;)

Haha! Very true Mel... The story of swan lake is pretty out there when you think about it... But the music... ahhh.

Well, how about a series of "made for the ballet" ballets - just like the "made for TV" stories we see all the time - and based on a "true story", of course. Then we could do "Headline News" ballets - ones that depict the headlines fresh off your morning or evening newspaper. Fitting for either category could be something like: "The Trial of OJ". There would be lots of bit parts for an entire company. The ensemble gets to play the jury (remember they were sequestered and thus very, very frustrated), the spectators, the corps of reporters and the public eagerly lapping up each juicy bit. Solo roles for OJ, the ghost of Nichole, the defense team (each needs a star turn), the prosecution team, and the judge. Perhaps this ballet could include audience participation: just like the play "Edwin Drood" the ballet could pause at the point where the jury has to make it's decision and the audience gets to pick the ending. Thus each night there could be a different ending: innocent, guilty, innocent by reasons of insanity, hung jury, and a few more creative, hypothetical endings.

Is this horrible enough for you? I won't inflict a John Cage "Score" on you: the stage manager would quit after filing a suit for harrassment (I don't know of any full-length ballet to a Cage score). A few minutes is all the SM would be able to tolerate. Now Philip Glass is certainly a possibility! Perhaps mixed-media would also work. Any suggestions for choreographer? If we can pick one no longer with us, MacMillan might do a credible job. Any ideas for casting??

I'm not sure, but I think it was mentioned in De Mille's biography of Martha Graham (but I think the blank review was by Louis Horst).

By Jove, Estelle, you're right! Thanks for the memory jog! Chujoy and P.W.(Bill) Manchester were the editors of the late, lamented journal, but Horst wrote a lot of the modern and pre-classic reviews.

a little OT, but i can't help thinking of alexander woolcott's review of a play called "Wham!" which read in its entirety: "Ouch!"

Peter and I finished the solo to Koto music today, but as we began rehearsal I looked at him and said, "I have a vision."

"What's that?"

"Mariachi band!"

Why not, I ask. If we can do a dance to classical Japanese Koto music, how about a nice mariachi band, preferably playing classical Japanese Koto music.

There we go! Fusion! Great Lousy Idea!